Find me here and speak to me; I want to feel you, I need to hear you.

I've been thinking. It's funny how much time you can waste chasing after one person. And that one person can manage to make your day with just a hello. That one person that makes you excited when they text you or ask you to hang out, and you do anything it takes to make it work. You compromise your likes and dislikes for this one person and do things just to satisfy them, because you think that they mean a lot to you.

And then times passes by slowly, and that one person isn't willing to make things work. That one person isn't willing to compromise anything that they like when they know you don't like it. And you realize that, that one person, just doesn't mean as much to you as you thought they did. And you realize how silly it was to compromise yourself, your dreams, your likes and dislikes, for one person who was never going to turn out to be anything anyway.

You clear your heart. You let it go. You pick up. And you move on.

This Is The Deep And Dying Breath of This Love We've Been Workin' On

It's hard to believe that a year has passed tomorrow [Jan 18] since my car accident. I can remember that night just like it was yesterday.

My ex boyfriend decided he was going to drive from Loo to Denver, where I live, to pick me up so I could join him and his friends for church, and then a bible study. He said he'd pick me up at about 530 because his church started service at six. His parents told him not to come and get me because the roads were bad but we both agreed that it really wasn't that bad outside.

He was a little late picking me up and I was kind of mad because you know how when you walk in late to something...like, say a movie. You feel really weird and awkward because it feels like EVERYONE is staring at you? Yeah. I hate that, too! I didn't want to walk in and be like OH HEYYY yeah we're late my bad. He didn't even drive his car that night, he drove his sister's Saturn. Well we didn't even make it there.

We were driving not five minutes on Highway 63 south and we had been talking about how the Cedar Falls requirements for graduation were SO much different from Denver's requirements and I was going on a small rant about it. You could feel the back tires slide a little bit. I didn't think much of it, minus the fact that we then began to fishtail in every direction you could think of - oh yeah, even diagonalways and backways and frontways:P.

Then, I see the median - which is piled high with compacted snow from the snow plows - is coming straight at us. I reached my hand out and pressed it against the dashboard, and screamed. I don't even remember the impact. I don't remember feeling the car hitting it or anything. I just remember opening my eyes and I'm hanging upside down by my seatbelt.

I was in shock. I just...I really didn't know what to do. I didn't feel anything hurting. David and I asked each other at the same time if the other was okay and I remember saying yeah I think so. I don't remember if we said much more than that. I do remember, however, reaching out and touching the broken windshield and asking if there was snow in the car. And he did say - with a very, very stern voice - not to take my seatbelt off because he didn't know where we'd landed, if we'd landed on the other side of the highway. SO incase we got hit by another car, taking off our seatbelts would have been a bad idea.

I don't think it was more than sixty seconds that there was someone knocking on my door and asking if we were okay. I just, I really didn't know what else to say besides help. It didn't feel like my voice was working very well. I didn't try to get my door open, but I just knew that I wouldn't be able to open it somehow. Then that is when I heard digging coming from outside my window, so that proves that they had to dig the snow to open the door.

Funny thing is, I couldn't even remember how to get my seatbelt off. I struggled for a few seconds before it came back to me and I clicked it, and oh it really hurt when I fell onto the windshield. I crawled out, backwards, from the car and the guy who was digging outside helped me to my feet. I can't remember EXACTLY what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of "I think I need to sit down" and he helped me out of the snow.

Everything else happened so fast.  The cops came, I called my brother, my mom and whatnot from a nurse who stopped's cell phone. Anne and Steven came and got me, they helped get David's stuff out from the car before it got towed and whatnot. Idk. Everything was so quick after getting out of the car.

It feels like a dream, actually. It doesn't seem like I was in a car crash. My feelings about it change, actually. It seemed like a big deal when I was beginning to write this....and now ti doesn't seem like a big deal, because it's taken me a half hour to write this haha.

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The transmission went out on my car last night. I cried for a good four hours. Most of it was just normal crying nonstop. And then there was like...forty minutes total of just sobbing uncontrollably. I think all my bottled up tears and upsetness just came out last night, the transmission going out just being the last straw.

I came into work today, Tom gave me a ride, and I almost started crying when I had to explain it to a few coworkers. Anne picked me up. Apparently my mom and I are going to look at cars...tomorrow before I work. I work 2-7, so.

Andrew situation. Our communication is just off. When I talk to him, it actually seems like I'm genuinely interested in him and his life. He does not. I don't have the mental strength to play this game with him right now, not with everything else in my life turning upside down. So. I'm just not going to bother him anymore. No texting, unless he texts me and it's something worth texting back about. If he wants something to happen...well, good luck then.

We Can Live Like Jack And Sally If We Want

1.) Find a nice guy (whether that's Andrew or not, we'll see).
2.) Make 2010 better than 09.
3.) Buy my own car.
4.) Wardrobe change.
5.) Road trip.
6.) NEW PHONE.
7.) New job?!

Wooo, one down and six to go! hahaha I feel so excited that I like can actually mark one off?! AH! :D. I feel silly at the same time because it's really not that exciting.

So yeah. I have been worrying for like a month, maybe, that Andrew really liked Panda...like liked her, and not me. And my boss David is the person who put that idea in my head because like a month ago. A co-worker said that he, Amanda, and another coworker had been standing around doing nothing. And he looked it up on the camera and I went and watched it with him on his second time watching it. And he was just like wow Andy follows Amanda around like a lost puppy and blah blah and "I think he likes her don't you?" and whatnot.

The night I remember realizing that I liked Andrew...we were working, I was on first register and he was on third, Amanda on second. We were just talking and goofing around and I was putting around cigarrettes. He was helping me out a lot with getting license plate numbers down and...I got really quiet all the sudden. He was like "Soo...you got really quiet andddd...I don't like it." And I just knew? And ever since then, David has like known because apparently I light up when he's around. So I think maybe David says that just to make me panic or something. I don't know if it's some stupid ploy for me to hopefully get mad at Amanda because David is still like in love with her or some dumb male move like that? I really don't know, honest.

But I texted Andrew, in either case, last night and asked him and he said not really and asked why, and I just said that I just thought he did and asked if he was mad that I asked. And he said..."No, but I'm pretty sure Amanda told you to, or someone else told you to ask and that kind of pisses me off." IO was like uh no, I asked because I wanted to know what made you think someone would tell me to ask? And he said "Because of the text she sent me a few minutes after I answered, who's feeding you the bullshit that I'm using you to get to her?" I was like WHOA no one even said that?!

Then he had to go because he was falling behind at work and said he'd text me later, and he did and said "I think someone put the idea of me liking amanda and not you in your head and you should not listen to whoever it is." And I was like well you're right and pretty much said I was sorry and he said "Well you should tell them to mind their own damn business :)"

So he wasn't mad at me. And he isn't now. And I feel more confident that he DOES like me and not Amanda. Except for the fact  thattt...he asked if me and her wanted to go see The Book of Eli next weekend. I'm half glad because being with him by myself wouldn't go over so well, probably, because he's so quiet. But I'm half not glad because I would just like some one on one time with him. Oh well!

ANyway, I'm gonna go to bed. tired. yeah.

And If All The World Was Perfect, I Would Only Wanna See Your Scars

SO I'm bouncing back and forth from Xanga to Blogspot, and posting posts in both places so incase one dies on me or something. Yep. And also because I'll be keeping looking at other peoples posts and stuff in both places so if they wanna look and see what's up in my life, they won't have to go far :).

I wanted to go to my old Xanga because I always get really really interested in how I felt the first day or around the beginning of the year before. So in the beginning of 2009, I had fallen really hard for David Bergstrom. And it just feels SO weird that I'm reading this because I don't feel that way anymore. I mean some stuff still makes me smile and it's good to know that I was actually really happy at the beginning of the year. And it's so good to know how optimistic I was that it was going to be a good year.

That was until he started talking to another girl about liking her when he said he liked me and drama drama drama haha. It's nice that I can actually laugh about all of that relationship now. I'm not angry about it and I'm not hurt about it. So idk. It was just a good start. I'd really like this year to be a good start, too.

My New Years resolutions would be 1.) Find a nice guy (whether that's Andrew or not, we'll see).
2.) Make 2010 better than 09.
3.) Buy my own car.
4.) Wardrobe change.
5.) Do something with my hair.
6.) Road trip.
7.) NEW PHONE.

The new phone one is definite out of all of those, except for #2 which is also definite. Because my charging port breaks on my Kyocera Neo. Send it out through Next Generation Wireless in Wavetown late August. Don't get a phone call and they say it'll be 6-8 weeks. FOUR MONTHS LATER, I get my phone back but they lose my battery and back. So I have to go down to the Next Generation Wireless in Waterloo by Starbucks. They try to sync it with another phone to get all my crap transfered and behold, the charging port isn't fixed so my phone was either not sent out or it was sent and sent back without fixing it. So the girl says hey I'll talk to my manager and you'll get a phone call. It's been over two weeks, and no phone call. Seriously? This is BEYOND ridiculous now. I called and left a message, I better get a frickin' phone call back.

Sheesh. I know that sounds way rude and whatnot, but really...4 1/2-5 months? Really? Blah. We'll get it figured out.

WELP. Tomorrow I have work off, thank God. My first Saturday off in like ever. So I'll be cleaning through crap I don't need in my bedroom. I don't know what else to say....hm. We'll just see how this year goes, shall we?

I Just Want You To Know That I've Been Fighting To Let You Go

I've been thinking a lot about my situation and I really think I've come to a conclusion.

I do like Andy, but...for the past month and a half, I've spent all my time being mad or frustrated with him and that's not fun at all. We've known each other for like..five, six months now? I definitely don't want to rush anything, but I've also been waiting for two months, or three months, now for him to prove that he likes me and he has not. To put it quite bluntly, I'm really sick of waiting.

I like him but the more I think about it, the more we're not even right for each other. He's a smartass ALL the time, he's never serious, he always makes fun of me. He never says anything nice about me. He's like allergic to human contact and hates being touched, you can tell because he'll shy away from it. He's not cuddly at all. He hates talking on the phone, via voice or via text. All he does is play video games. Whenever I ask him a question he'll answer it right back with the question why? Between you and me, he has a sour smell to him most of the time and I sat next to him during the year end meeting [to my dismay, actually, because I didn't really want to sit by him] so when I could smell it, I'd stop breathing for a second and mentally tell myself to not breathe. I'm not too sure if he showers a lot, nor brushes his teeth and that bothers me. And it's so hard to keep a conversation going with him because there's a lot of  awkward silences between us and I'm very proud of myself for being pretty open and letting him in, so it's not ME that's the problem with that like it usually is.

I just, I can't do this with him anymore. Half the time I can't stand him nowadays because of how long I had to wait for him to tell me he liked me, after I told him. Because of how long it's been and he still hasn't proved that he likes me. Because of how he treats me, and because I feel like just another girl that is a friend.

I don't want to be a girl friend, I want to be the girlfriend.

Any time I ever doubt love existing, I think about my uncle. I want to be like my Uncle Calvin. I want to find someone who I remember the first day I meet them, what they're wearing, what they said, how they acted. I want to love them from the first day I meet them and I want them to love me back. I want someone who doesn't mind me touching them, someone who can make me laugh, someone who knows when to be serious, someone I don't have to struggle to keep a conversation going with, someone who smells really nice, who treats me like I'm more than just a friend. Someone who is gonna love me.